Monday, December 8, 2008

Last Minute Mutterings

I can’t breathe in this suit. The tie, the freaking shirt, tucked in, and my belt…Ugh. It’s on the last available hole. Seriously. I can’t breathe.

Chill out.

You chill out man! You bought your suit like a week ago, I bought mine when I was a junior in college…before they opened a god-forsaken Pizza Hut across the street.

You look fine.

You can’t see the rug burns where the pressure of my waist line is shredding my skin every time I turn.

You’re being dramatic, man.

Dramatic? Do I look like I’m acting? I should win a damn award for this. This takes dedication. This is like when Christian Bale got all skinny for The Machinist. This freaking suit is going to be what I am wearing when I die because if I don’t breathe soon, I am going to die.

Here she comes.

Oh my God. She looks beautiful. This is the beginning of your new life. Congratulations.

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